Life, Shane and the Persuit of Happiness
It's what's on my mind, and yours too. Well, at least that bit about happiness...
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
You gotta love new beginnings. These are the times in which you begin to lie to yourself in a brand new way. Yes, I will lose weight. Yes, I will work out. Yes, I will make more money. Yes, I will become smarter. Yes, I will write better music. Yes, I will become better. Better. And I'm doing it all for me. Right.
You can't count the lies because they grow on top of each other and multiply until they've blanked out everything. How clear were things when I was a child? I hadn't started raising my own lies. I was who I found myself to be, not who I told myself I was.
At least I can stop feeling lonely. It seems to me that everybody is lying, if not to each other, to themselves. I know that's a blanket statement and as such is likely to be false, but if I were to put my money all on one blanket...
Monday, May 24, 2004
The aftermath. So now we've had that more (most) serious talk. Yes, that's the one in which our hero gets shot down in a ball of fire. It doesn't look good, folks. How will he get out of this one? Tune in next week...
Roy Orbison - Crying. Listen to it. Breath it, like I do. Feel it down in the depths of your shivering soul, like I do. Let his wails pierce your utter existence and then return.
I asked, "Never"? She shook her head, no. How?
Everyone always, in their infinite wisdom and knowledge of all the workings of the Universe, tells me that there's a girl out there for me. And I agree with them. It's just that what they haven't accounted for is the fact that I've met her, and she just doesn't like me.
In all fairness, she didn't choose for me to fall in love with her. She didn't steal my heart from my chest at night wearing a black body suit, dangling from the ceiling upside down so as to avoid setting off the alarms. It's more like it left on it's own choosing, my heart that is. It just ran away, like an abused puppy dog, and found it's new, gentler owner in D. But still, to blame it on a lack of "chemistry", that just makes me wilt. Everyone knows "chemistry" = lust, a simple chemical equation, processed in your brain and dug up from thousands of years ago, I've got articles by professionals in the field to prove it. Yeh, prove it. She just doesn't love me. That I can understand. No one has ever loved me, in that way. The future is not looking bright. Lights off! I wish I had the Clapper for life. Clap, clap! Turn that shit off.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
While I'm trying to answer that pesky question, I guess I'll continue to try and be close with D. It's goes like this: She might like me, I definately like her, but she's leaving in about two weeks to backpack Europe for two months. You don't have to tell me what happens to you in Europe that can make you completely forget about people you left back home. I can only hope that when she returns, she'll be living somewhere somewhat close by and still be willing to give me a chance. Or who knows, maybe the German will realize what a stupid mistake he's made by leaving her and she'll go back to him and live happily ever after. thump That's the sound of my heart hitting the floor.
So what can I do now? Well, right now I'm trying my darndest to spend as much time as I can with her while still remaining reasonably collected and not weird around her. That's pretty damn tough to do right about now. So what I'm doing to keep myself preoccupied while I can't see her is cleaning the house alot, and planning out a very special mix tape to give her when she leaves. The composition of such a work is very painstaking and requires much care as to not estrange the recipient whilst still effectively conveying the raw emotions and contents of the heart. So, we'll see how I do.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Why am I so stupid?
Laughs and pauses, that's all I can remember. There was no grand scheme, no romantic prelude, with roses and smooth moves. I just thought, "Hey this seems like an ok enough time", and just talked to her.
I found out why I love her so much. Without going one way or the other she so lightly caressed away my torments with a smile and sent me on my way, too moonstruck to feel my heart dancing the waltz of the sinking vessel. And before I knew it we were better friends than we started out as. There were no rivers of tears, no mountains of despair, only the laughing breeze of surprise.
If only I had told her two years ago, when we first met. I was a jackass then, well, much more of one than I am now at least, and I didn't have the courage. I had only the stubbornness to wallow in my heartbreak and self loathing. She told me how she was attracted to me way back then, even before everything.
Monday, May 17, 2004
No, too direct, too setting yourself up for failure. Not that there’s any way to go about this situation that doesn’t exactly set yourself up for the fall, that’s sort of the point isn’t it? No, it should be more romantic. And leave what your friends have to say out of it. Yeh, we all know that anyone in the world, if asked, would automatically recite the Nike mantra back at you, with great wisdom, as if they’ve just revealed to you the secret meaning of life. It must be done; it’s just a question of how to go about it and whether you’ve truly got the balls to Just Do It ™, or not.
Come on, man. You know what she’ll say. She’s already freaking said it to you: she’s not looking for a relationship right now. Period.
Still, that’s really not what’s important. You just want to know -- you’ve got to know -- if she feels the same way. So she’ll be gone for three months, and probably have contact with the German. Hell, that’s reason enough right there to tell her. And besides, what’s three months compared to the seven year drought you’ve endured so far?
What, are we already in Chapter 2? C’mon, be a man for once in your life. Tell her how you feel.
As the movie wound down he sat there in a state of expectance. It was his third time watching this particular movie, and this round was just as inconsequential as the last, except for his present company, and what was to follow. Throughout the entire course of the film he had been rolling the dialog over in his mind. How to time it right, what facial expressions to give, where to pause, how she would take it. The answer to the last bit was the big mystery, and it wasn’t one to be revealed by the films leading actress.
She stood up and sighed, “I should finish packing”. He sat motionless on the sofa, “I guess I’d better get going, and let you finish then”. “Thanks for coming by Shane”, she smiled and gave him that connecting gaze. He and she stood there, in the middle of the living room, and time stopped for a single moment, perceptible only to him. He blurted, “D, there’s something I need to say to you”. He could recognize a slight shift of confusion in her expression. “Normally, had I not been given a very meaningful piece of advice by a trusted friend, I would never even think about saying what I’ve got to say. That is, I don’t want to cause anyone trouble or any harm by these sorts of things. But, I’ve recently come to realize to not say it would be the greatest sin I could ever commit”. By now the shift of confusion had become slight parting of her lips, so endearing as to momentarily break his concentration. “D, I’m in love with you”.
The confusion started to spread with increased haste. Before she could gather her wits to respond he tried to make up for it, “But, I know you’re in love with Anthony. And I’m not trying to split you apart”. How could he, he lamented privately. “You don’t have to worry about my feelings, please, those were demolished years ago. I just wanted it to be known, for the sake of my own sanity”. He executed the pause, which signaled he was now finished and ready to find his lonely way home, just as he had imagined himself doing. He waited for her response.
She took a few seconds, only breaking her gazing connection with his sullen eyes briefly as his words sunk in. He could tell what ever would come next wouldn’t be good, but he’d known that from the start. He turned for the door but she grabbed his hand. He stopped in surprise and turned to face her with glint of hope. She said, “Don’t love me when I leave”. And with that, broke his heart for good.
Ok, so I've decided to retire Duct Tape and Soldered Wires. It's just been so long since I've posted on it that it feels like I should move on. I want my next blog, the one to take DTSW's place, to be in a book format. Here I will write chapter after chapter of my life until either a) my fingers fall off, or b) the Internet is destroyed. Oh, there's other possibilities sure, but let's just assume they don't exist, just like we do with so many other things each and every day...
Onward with me now to 'Life, Shane, and the Pursuit of Happiness'. Cliche? Too much of a rip-off of the original qoute? Naw...or I don't care, one of the two.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Ok, so somebody out there might actually be reading this blog and consequently wonder why I haven't written anything in 5 or 6 months. Well, the short answer is: I've gone to Germany! Of course, I moved here in March and so that doesn't account for the other 4 months, but hey, it took a while to set this all up as well. So, now I'm studying in Munich and traveling about as much as my bank account allows. This whole event is somewhat indescribable, with respect to my experiences at least.
One thing I'm enjoying very much, though, is just not understanding anything anybody around me says. I speak very little German. It is really great to not have to listen to everyone's little twisted commentaries on this and that, on a daily basis. Ignorance is bliss.
It's so funny, also, that the tables are completely turned here. What I mean is, many of the men here are very trendy and fake (which is not so much different from home), where as most of the women are more honest, open, and real. Completely the opposite of the Californian population, at least for the female half.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
It's been a while...
But now it's fall and my mood follows. All work and no play. It doesn't matter, no amount of play would make me happy. I don't know what will, probably nothing will. I can't do anything but work at these meaningless tasks. Nothing around here has any meaning; it's all superficial as hell. I want to be that way too -- just to fit in -- but every time I try it just makes me sick. There's no place for me. This world is hard and I am weak.
03/01/2001 - 04/01/2001
05/01/2001 - 06/01/2001
07/01/2001 - 08/01/2001
08/01/2001 - 09/01/2001
09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001
10/01/2001 - 11/01/2001
11/01/2001 - 12/01/2001
01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002
02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002
03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002
04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002
07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004